He Tore A Hamstring Dot Mee Dot UK

Inescapable Reality

It is rare that 5 months can both seem and encapsulate a lifetime. Emotions have meandered between raw grief, anger, despair and hope, whilst some days have seemed to last for weeks and others for minutes.

The last fortnight has been as difficult a period as I have faced at any time since we lost Dani. I wrote on Easter Sunday about rediscovering my faith, largely thanks to time spent at St Martin’s in the Bull Ring. I have done much crying, talking and writing in the months that have passed, attempting to be open and honest in my grief. I learnt long ago that whilst others might choose this as a means of coping, my modus operandi cannot allow me to bottle things inside without consequence, much as described in posts about more difficult times in my life.

Until recently, the grieving process had encompassed the tears, sadness and contemplation with which it would be logically associated. The one missing component has been prayer – my apartment betrays me as a sports fanatic and someone who treasures memories of times with friends, but a closer look on the bookshelf and bedside would also reveal a deep rooted faith and belief.

Will I be clichéd and dream of Dani in heaven? Not at this point. I will not begin to start a debate or discussion about the afterlife, as several studies, an infinite number of books, and one very large Holy Bible have yet to give us a definitive answer. Either way, it is not where she is that matters, it is more that it is God’s will and that she is in his care and at his mercy.

Jesus said, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.
(John 11:25-26)

This belief has at least instigated a form of closure to the initial grieving of process. If closure is the precursor to stark reality, however, I am not imagining the pain which had engulfed me in the last few weeks. I am often amazed at how such conflicting emotions can counter-act each other in such perfect congruence. My happiness and comfort in finding my support structure in the Church is matched equally by raw hurt manifesting itself within.

Many will have heard of the Kübler-Ross Model, relating to 5 stages of grief. I have been able to better identify with the book ‘How To Survive Your Grief‘ by Susan L. Fuller. She talks of a period which engulfs you typically between 3-6 months, usually after denial and shock have dissipated:-

“As the death becomes real, people tend to fall apart. Everything feels out of control, disorganized and unpredictable.”

I am not so proud as to hide when life is at its most difficult. I always knew that the encounter with a brick wall was inevitable. I will be honest here, I have no idea when and how I will emerge, not to mention whether I run through, run round or climb over! In the interim period, I will just try to be the best that I can be, inspired in Dani’s memory to rebuild my life and maximise every ounce of potential in my being.

If I can smile at every moment I will, but there will be no regret for those moments when I cannot. I will simply face every challenge with every gift which God has bestowed on me.