He Tore A Hamstring Dot Mee Dot UK

Average Triumph, Ordinary Disaster

The American orator, Wendell Phillips, once described physical bravery as an animal instinct. I am inclined to believe that, for many of us, this observation is true to our psychological fears also.

When fear and hurt manifest themselves, the natural human reaction is to put up the barricades and to either self-encapsulate in a private bubble or shout at the top of our voices of how brilliant life really is. I have previously been guilty of both …

“Physical bravery is an animal instinct; moral bravery is much higher and truer courage.”
~ Wendell Phillips

In many regards, the inability to decipher between, and deal with, Rudyard Kipling‘s ‘impostors‘ has probably been the biggest conundrum in life. How is it that life seems to revolve around the dual extremes of triumph and disaster? What happened to average, and when did the ordinary become so unusual? Why is it that that we simply define ourselves by the good and the bad, and never the mundane?

“If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same”
~ Rudyard Kipling (“If”)

I have been fortunate, maybe, that in recent years, I have been able to learn about and control my emotions, enjoying life’s better moments and never being too down in those more difficult times. Proverbially, I believe that they call this an even keel, which is a far cry from the temperamental boy into which I developed as a young adult, the experience of which is shared in a previous post. I also learned to keep a healthy perspective, and awareness of those around me.

My personal impostors have been ‘enjoyment’ and ‘challenge’, with a pledge to enjoy each success that life brings, whilst learning from each challenge. It has served me well and made my life a hugely more enjoyable and stable narrative.

Even in the five months since Dani’s death, I have attempted to be true to this mantra and retain as calm and balanced in disposition as possible. It is not my undertaking to judge how successful I have been in doing so, although the comments from friends about how well I am coping would suggest at least a modicum of attainment.

Maybe only in these last few weeks have utter reality and turmoil revealed themselves in my demeanour. Whilst I always try not to be too demonstrative in emotional displays, I also know that I am no longer the master of hiding my feelings. That skill left me when I learnt the ‘even keel’ theory, given that throwing a veil over one’s mindset can only lend itself to hiding from, as opposed to dealing with the two great impostors.

“Grief can awaken us to new values and new and deeper appreciations.
Grief can cause us to reprioritize things in our lives, to recognize what’s really important and put it first.
Grief can heighten our gratitude as we cease taking the gifts life bestows on us for granted.
Grief can give us the wisdom of being with death.
Grief can make death the companion on our left who guides us and gives us advice.

None of this growth makes the loss good and worthwhile, but it is the good that comes out of the bad.”
~ Reverend Roger Bertschausen

In this respect, I make no apology for withdrawing into my own reflective cocoon at this time. I also make no apology for making my feelings quite clear to those who might be tempted to pull me from it. I have found my own comfort of ‘cliché-ville’, where time will be my healer and I will deal constructively with the challenges ahead.

I found my perspective, and right now it feels like the empty shell of a devastated wreck which will need careful rebuilding. The happiness, that was the aforementioned shell, will be reconstructed, but like Rome, it will not be built in a day. I am comfortable in this reality, and it is no untruth that I will relish this trial of faith and equilibrium.

Self-awareness is a wonderful thing, as is reflection. It is so easy to carry pain inside and show the world a smile, but I am lost as to what it achieves. So now and always, if I say something with a smile know that it is meant. If I say it without a smile, know that it is also meant. Just never ask why I am not smiling … if it’s personal, I’ll be graceful enough to tell you!