He Tore A Hamstring Dot Mee Dot UK

It’s Good to Talk, It Saved my Life

I have not always been an advocate of counselling, whether that comes in the form of arranged counselling or simply opening up to your friends. Had I been asked even in December 2005, I would have nonchalantly responded with clichés about grown and successful men perhaps being in charge of their own destiny. Little did it matter that on at least one occasion prior to that, I had given a ‘cry for help’, or that I was dreadfully lonely and squandering in excess of what I was earning.

My demons were entirely internal, and to this day I will never attach blame. If truth be told, most of those around me saw the signs and they were all prepared to help me, but I was unwilling to listen. Anger is dangerous, and when it is aimed at oneself, it is lethal. Reason is a long departed ally and opportunity is defined by those moments during which you can heap more humiliation on an already fragile psyche. To be so angry with yourself, to blame yourself for all of your problems is often the beginning of a dangerous spiral.

Anger is dangerous, and when it is aimed at oneself, it is lethal.

I always realised that I had much to offer, even during the darkest periods. However, it is difficult to give yourself credit when you despise what you see in the mirror every morning. To the outside world, all seemed fine, here was one that worked hard and played hard. Only those close enough were aware of the turmoil within, only those close enough were constantly pushed away.

It took a second, and ultimately ‘lifesaving’, overdose for the reality to finally hit home. As I lay in a Manchester Hospital, I realised that if I spent the rest of my life sprinting from my shadow, I’d not be sprinting for long. Having taken the ‘Bedouin’ route across most of the UK, I took the final opportunity to move home to Birmingham and seek whatever help necessary. It wasn’t as if I had anything left to lose.

By then, even Dani had seen enough and whilst telling me she loved me, I’d have to do this on my own. I can honestly say that despite the fact that we were long back together and engaged before her untimely passing, this was her greatest gift to me.

I found solace in a counsellor provided by my mum’s work scheme. Even then, I still had doubts to how effectively anyone could get through my inexorably tangled mindset, but the one promise I was made was that I would be challenged and not just meet a yes man on the shoulder of whom I could cry. Those months were a revealing time in my life as we worked together to gradually break down the causes of anger and resentment that were such a barrier to change.

Over a period of time, I found myself learning to like myself again, and believe me when I describe this as very important, much as I described previously in “How Will I Know if I’m Enough”. As I began to respect myself , only then was I able to start respecting others again.

I was able to learn to like myself again,
and believe me when I say that is the biggest start.

Summarised here, I must make it clear that this was not an overnight process, but one that continued to be ongoing. As I believed in myself, so others believed in me, and this progress was exponential in measure. It was a voyage of self-discovery initiated by myself but contributed to by so many, notably my mum and beloved Dani. Everything that has happened in my life, from the darkest depths through to the happiest day of my life when Dani agreed to be my wife, all prepared me for what was ahead.

I wake up every morning and find a person totally at ease with himself and those close around him. Where I bottled everything up previously, I am now open in discussing the mistakes that I have made, although I will confess that this is the first time that much of this has been said in a public forum.

I know that those close to me were more than anxious as to how I would cope with Dani’s death in November. I admit openly to grieving, but can safely say that at no point have I been remotely concerned about the affect that it may have on my equilibrium. I no longer worry about anything that I have lost, I am simply grateful for all that I have had and may have in the future.

I no longer worry about anything that I have lost,
I am simply grateful for all that I have had and may have in the future.

As I look back, the one thing I return to is that there is no blame attached to anyone for the situations in which I found myself, and that includes me. Maybe I simply lacked the maturity that came with my self-expectations, and most importantly the humility to ask for help. I fear that I grew up in an environment where perceived image was much more important than reality. Either way, the simple fact is that nobody ever failed me, not those around me and not ‘the system’.

I read the most traumatic, yet wonderful, book over the weekend, and this was really the catalyst allowing me to be so open in this post. ‘I Forgive You Daddy‘ really does recount a life of systematic failure, in which the Social Services not only failed to recognise the depraved abuse received daily by the author, but after finally incarcerating the perpetrator, released him back into the household within 12 weeks. Furthermore no adequate provision was ever made for counselling in the short or long term.

If you have ever woken and thought that your life was bad,
I implore you to read this and honestly reflect.

Lizzie McGlynn is inspirational in every way. To speak so very lucidly about a truly disturbing time, and to then discuss the physical and mental scars which remain, is an act of courage. To openly forgive the person who inflicted this upon you is an act of which I probably would not be capable, and one for which I have no words that suffice.

If you have ever woken and thought that your life was bad, I implore you to read this and honestly reflect. Lizzie’s courage and strength are an incredible testament to what the human mind can achieve.

Life remains a precious gift on loan to us, to be embraced and cherished as best as we can.